Pressing Pause.

I was in the middle of writing a post to let you all know that I was taking a break from creating content due to lack of creative flow. But, I realized that my reasoning was a cop out from explaining what I’m actually experiencing right now- true, brutal burnout. Not in respect to everything I’m doing- I still love my internship, exercise, and AOII. But, overall, things have just been a lot harder to get done lately. 

I’m not a stranger to low energy levels. I think it all comes in a cycle with stress and sleep and self-care, but of recent, naps have become the norm and I count the hours until I get to crawl into bed with my book. I miss being engaged by my lectures and excited to do well. For the first time in my life, not even an A is motivation.

Related but unrelated, I’ve also been fighting to find a state of peace in facing certain challenges in life. Recently, I’ve been focusing on mental illness, and how it’s okay not to be okay, and learning to be a strong hand to hold for those struggling. I’m also working past shutting down emotionally during chaotic times and showing vulnerability where I would normally prefer to pretend nothing is wrong. I’ve had to accept broken things as being broken and give up on them- which has been the hardest, most taxing experience for me. It’s been really draining, I’m not going to lie. And where I would normally say I’ve had profound moments of realization in the process, I’m going to say that I haven’t yet. But, I will never stop trying to find comfort in the process.

This post seems sad. It may sound lonely or withdrawn from, but it’s written with determination and self-actualization. My mind needs a break and I want to focus on different things for a little. Like actually doing my accounting homework. And spending time with the amazing women that have built me an enviable support network. And finally facing my fear of writing for myself instead of for others.

Burning out is normal, but it’s about the recovery that comes after. I’m looking for little things that continuously spark happiness in my life. Like loving DC so much I want to cry when I walk the streets. And the memory of hearing Houndmouth for the first time at a music festival and feeling so genuinely in love inside.

I’ll write more soon. I just need to press pause and breathe and drink some tea. Then I’ll be back, avocado toast and all.

Until then, I promise I’ll still be on Instagram. 

Stuck in my head: Sun Veins // Hippo Campus
Snap it: The Coffee Bar, DC


2017 is Knocking & 100 Happy Days are on the Way.

Tis the season of working out for hours, laying in bed all day, & having nothing on my schedule but lunchtime. It’s not gonna last forever. Hell, it’s not even going to last more than 3 more weeks.

There were days this semester where I never saw the sun because my textbook and flashcards blocked my view. And bless my overcommitting soul, I’ve taken on more this upcoming semester than ever before.

With my love of pushing the limits of what a human can accomplish in a day (and still get enough sleep to function), comes a level of stress one would classify as manageable… until you realize something is due today, you stay an hour too late at your internship, or you get hungry before the assigned dinner time. Then everything hits the fan and it’s basically like someone just told me Instagram is going to be deleted. Aka: Panic. 

Enter the real topic of this blog: 

There was an Instagram craze a couple years ago (& still) called 100 Happy Days, where users create a seperate account and post one picture a day of something that makes them smile.

This year I want to channel that energy into my everyday life. It can get pretty hard to appreciate the good when you’re so hyperfocused on the now (& the now might be dining hall chicken or a 60-paged culminating project). I’m going to keep a journal & write my “star of the day” as some would call it- the best part, my fav moment, the light in the dark. You get the point.

Did you notice I’m doing it minus the Instagram.The best part is that because it’s sans-social media, it’s really just for me. No followers or comments. & Just one like (hello, it’s me). New year, super old school. 

Now, how many New Years Resolutions will be made this year? My guess is one million billion. Pretty accurate right? Well, to avoid being a statistic I’m starting on January 2nd. It’s not a New Years thing, it’s just a Jordan finding inner peace and happiness in each day thing. Huge difference.

Side note to all of you making New Years Resolutions- been there, done that. If you want to “go to the gym more,” then go to the gym more. You’re kickass and strong af, give it a couple months and you’ll own the joint. If you want to “read more,” Barnes and Noble’s is still in business (for now). I reccommend Amy Schumer’s book, tres magnifique. Whatever your NYR is, you don’t need 2017 to tell you to do that. Find your #power and #commit

& One final thought, Christmas is over, so can we take those lights down now? It’s extremely hard to drive when you’re constantly focusing on the color changing, blinding reindeer on the roof instead of the car in front of you. It’s called distracted driving. Look it up, Santa. 

Stuck in my head: Fire and the Flood // Vance Joy
Snap it: Home, Sweet Home


Screw it, I’m Going Out Tonight

First semester was a lot. It’s been kind of like dipping my toe in the pool to a life I only knew through movies, magazines, and my parent’s stories. & no lie the adjustment has been real. Part of me feels like I’ll never stop missing being able to make eggs in a kitchen that has been ~for real~ cleaned or having a closet that I can actually fit my boots into, but none the less, there’s a certain something that keeps me missing the Terp life while I’m away. 

I’m starting to see a pattern in my latest posts- LISTS. Maybe it’s because they’re fast and easy and I have about 10 seconds to write this. But, I’ll try and break the habit over break. Adding it to the to-do list right now…

Top three things I learned about myself, my school, and my distaste for being alone:

Not Always One and the Same. 

Everyone’s college experiences have different circumstances and I’ve learned a lot about different family and relationship dynamics that I hadn’t been exposed to before. Nothing is picture perfect, and I think its been really valuable to catch glimpses at how people deal with and learn from not-so-fun situations.

I’ve really had to master the idea that sometimes you can’t help someone fix themselves because you aren’t where they’re coming from. It’s really easy to say to do something or to try to put yourself in their shoes, but when you don’t have the genuine emotions and attachment, there’s a disconnect that can’t be forged through listening. Honestly, I’m still learning this lesson. I love to be the Dr. Phil & make all my friends’ problems just fade away, but sometimes you can’t. No, I’m not a psychology major. Just a loving person.

Being alone doesn’t make you alone. 

Key lesson, learn it now: spending time by yourself doesn’t equate having no friends and being a loner. It means that everyone here is on a different time schedule and even if you want a lunch-buddy, sometimes you have to settle for Netflix.

Believe me, spend days and nights alone on end and you’ll start to lose it, but that’s when it’s really important for you to have someone to fall onto. I’ve realized the best way to have plans is to make plans. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices- give up your warm, amazing bed to venture to the dorm next door for candy and girl talk, but once I became proactive about finding people to be with, the rest kind of fell into place. Nothing bonds friends faster than cold weather, a bag of sour gummy worms, and confessing cringe-worthy stories. 

But also, being alone means watching TV without headphones, sneezing without covering your mouth, and not having to share that bag of gummies. So enjoy your you-time. It’s not all bad.

You don’t have to be the smartest. You don’t have to get an A+.  

This has been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. I’m a baby perfectionist with a love for high numbers and first letters of the alphabet. But for the first time in my academic life it’s not really realistic to get the best grades out there. I think a big part of it is that I expect my hardest, best work to be capable of getting an A+, when in reality, college classes aren’t designed that way.

I kind of regret how much energy I put into trying to get the highest grades possible because I feel like I missed out on some really memorable experiences. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy first semester, because that’s 100% not true. I love the life I’ve made for myself, my friends, my routines, but I feel like the pressure to be perfect in the classroom has definitely been more than just a sticky note on my bulletin board of to-dos. Sometimes you just have to say “Screw it, I’m going out tonight.” Not sure how or when I’ll get there, but isn’t life just a work in progress? I’ve got potential. 

& As Olivia says to me after every not-so-hot test grade, “Cs Get Degrees.” 

So here’s to growing, changing, and learning to appreciate the fun in not having your nose in a textbook. Happy winter break. Never needed it more.

Stuck in my head: Drifting // On An On
Snap it: Filmore, Silver Spring (Jon Bellion)

Please pardon the fact that finals ended last week and this is being posted now. Everyone needs a couple minutes to just not care. I was taking mine. But no worries, I’m back and better than ever. 

Things I’ve Learned This Week…

This week has been one of those where you think the next day is always Friday but it was really like Tuesday and all you can do is pray for yourself and hope that you make it out alive. Update: tomorrow is actually friday but I am barely alive. 

11 internship hours, 10 studying hours, 4 lectures, and a ton of unfinished homework later I have put myself in a stress coma curable only by Ibuprofen and Girls. But wait, it’s not over. The main source of my panic is this huge business midterm that’s, wait for it, tonight. After my classes. And is 3 hours long.

This week has been enlightening for me in the differences between college and high school (more to come on this in the future), stress and relaxation, and the chaos of balancing three million things at once.

Here are the top 5 things I learned this week & now never want to learn again because I swear, anymore educational experiences and my head will pop off my body.

  1. It’s okay to eat three meals in the span of an hour and then eat Cava too. If it makes you happy and doesn’t put you in a permanent food coma then embrace your ability to store food inside you and take advantage. At least I ate like a king yesterday. Makes the rest of my study-filled night seem less tragic.
  2. Don’t skip a class if it’s just going to stress you out to the point that you read all the lecture slides while you’re skipping and you can’t even enjoy the comfort of your bed. Believe me. I’m currently living this. I mean I’m sick and sitting at my desk studying and writing this; I could’ve just been sick sitting in a lecture hall learning about consumer preferences and game theory (these are econ topics for all you uncultured swine out there). I just want to watch TV in peace but instead I have the mental picture of my next exam being in gibberish. Cue me pouring over a textbook for the next hour.
  3. Healthy food & stress stomach are not even close to being friends.  Just give your body what it needs: pizza, candy, french fries. I haven’t indulged yet but it’s coming. I can’t take the tofu and grilled chicken lifestyle this week.  Pass the pasta, please. I just need to feel a little joy and thrill.
  4. I am prone to charley horses and they are my mortal enemy now. I don’t know what causes them but I have been downing water like it’s holy and eating too many bananas so don’t give me that dehydration potassium shit. I just want the truth. 
  5. It is really nice to have a really nice boss. Yesterday, because my week wasn’t hellish enough, I forgot my dorm key in DC and had no way into my room/no idea how I was going to make it a week without my key. Answer: I would’ve had to pay $70 and get my locks changed. That would’ve been horrible and I would’ve gone hungry because that’s like all my birthday money (okay fine, not actually. I’m just a little bit of a drama queen & I like having flair). Anyway, my Mother Theresa of a mentor drove my key to me and saved my entire life basically. So thank you, Marissa. You are officially in my Best People Ever book next to my parents and Amy Schumer. 

So now unfortunately, my time is up and I must return to the world of responsibility, body aches, and frustration. Wish me luck. I’m gonna need it. 

Stuck in my head: Seventeen // Alessia Cara
Snap it: 14th street, DC

Mantra of this week: Do it because you have no choice and you are not lame. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. You have a great life and lots of opportunities to succeed. Amen. 

Disclaimer: I really am not horribly stressed. I am just normally 1% stressed and now I am about a 70-80% stressed. But not 100%. I’m not great at math, but that means it could be a hell of a lot worse than it is right now.